Haste Makes Waste

Containment Procedures: AN-22 (The Most Important One)

18 September 2023

<WARNING: This file has been flagged as potentially compromised, and is archived for auditing purposes only. DO NOT DISTRIBUTE OR ADJUST CONTAINMENT PROCEDURES>


Designation: AN-22

Classification: Perceptiohazard 999 S+ Perfect Rank, Synthetic Immaculate

Description: AN-22 is a plastic Motorola DYNATAC cellular phone, discovered at a yard sale in [REDACTED], Nevada in flawless condition. It features a gorgeous cream finish, and a beautiful, subtle curve which fits perfectly in one’s hand. It is an especially pleasing weight, has an elegant little LED screen built into the face, and the extremely tactile buttons feel good to press. They’ve got just the right click, you know? You really feel confident when you press these.

Honestly, even forty years later you really have to appreciate the work that went into this thing. It’s something special. A technological marvel. They really don’t make them like this anymore.

Wow. Yeah. I’m really lucky to have been assigned this one.

To behold it is an almost spiritual experience. Being here with it really puts everything else into perspective, you know? We worry about a lot of stuff but none of it really matters in the end. Not like AN-22. I see that now.

In fact, it is an honor to be in in the presence of something so simple, so delicate, but so right and good and PURE as AN-22. My colleagues should be here with me, to contemplate this, but instead they waste their time with trivial things. Writing reports. Pouring liquids from one little bottle into another. Resting!

It’s an insult, really. This cannot stand.

Clearly, AN-22 is the most important and powerful anomaly that the Department has ever discovered! It is without a doubt the finest specimen this researcher has ever held, utterly beyond compare. There’s nothing else like it.

I mean, just look at it.

Simply incredible.

Holy shit.

Containment Procedures:

AN-22 should be stored in a well-lit, glass room on a marble pedestal, at an ideal viewing height of 3m. Members of the public should be encouraged to admire it whenever possible, and further study of this anomaly should remain the Department’s highest priority, indefinitely.

To make room, lesser anomalies can be set outside by a curb, perhaps with a little yard sale sign. We could use the proceeds to provide a soft little pillow fo—



The following thought experiment is a work of fiction. Any similarities to real-world events, people, places or circumstances are purely coincidental.

Let’s imagine there was a Motorola brand plastic cellular phone, produced in 1983, which was approximately 25cm tall with its antennae retracted, and weighed approximately 70g. Hypothetically, let’s say we referred to that object as AN-22.

For the sake of argument, assume that AN-22 object has anomalous properties; specifically, that anyone observing AN-22 would believe that it is special, unique, and very important. What if those observers were instantly made aware that AN-22 was an anomaly, and that its anomalous nature was so self-evident as to be absurd to question?

To make this scenario even more interesting, let’s pretend that individuals who directly viewed, handled, or answered a call placed by AN-22 were compelled by reasons not fully understood to dedicate any and all resources at their disposal to continue doing so for as long as humanly possible.

Theoretically, that would make it very difficult to document, wouldn’t it? Department Staff would have a difficult time describing it using their standardized format, by virtue of the observer’s state of mind.

If such a thing were real, researchers whose time are otherwise quite valuable might be tempted to anthropomorphize the object as possessing some sort of jealous will, and attempt to convince individuals on other projects to stop what they are doing and observe AN-22, instead. It sure would suck if that resulted in a marked loss of productivity or substantially increased the risk of containment breaches in adjacent sectors. You’d want to be careful how you stored something like that, wouldn’t you? I don’t know, I’m just thinking out loud.

I suppose if someone wanted to contain an object which looks and behaves exactly like AN-22, which again does not exist, we’d want to store it in an opaque box in the [REDACTED] wing, which would remain locked at all times, with access requirements appropriate for a standard Class II perceptiohazard, whatever those are. It would probably be best to keep out of sight of staff to ensure an organization like the Department, which also does not exist, does not waste additional resources researching its properties.

In such a situation it would also be prudent to strictly veto all proposed changes to security detail, containment procedures, access, or Department resources, without clearance from at least 2 personnel with [REDACTED] clearance who have not seen or touched AN-22 within the previous 48 hours, as I assume this would be roughly twice the length of any previously observed change in behavior of test subjects interacting with the object, on average.

Just imagine if any and all written communication about AN-22 needed to be written in the form of non specific, plausibly deniable piece of fiction about a similar but completely distinct object. Wouldn’t that be silly?

That sure was interesting. Once you have finished contemplating this thought experiment, please return it to the place in which you found it, so that others might have the opportunity to enjoy it, too.


<Update log:>

12/12/23, 7:10am: Alternate format proposed for clarity - “Once upon a time, there was a…” Read More?

12/12/23, 9:46: Alternate format proposed, pacing could be better - “Three hooded figures meet in…” Read More?

12/13/23 1:00pm - Alternate format proposed, needs more drama- “The Anomaly; a Screenplay…” Read More?

46 More Entries…

<Director’s Note>

Alright, that’s enough. Effective immediately, no more drafts of this entry will be permitted. You want to go to a creative writing class, do it on your own time.